My favorite analogy for describing a child’s need for boundaries is by educator Janet Gonzalez-Mena. She describes this need as, “Imagine driving over a bridge in the dark. If the bridge has no railings, we will drive across it slowly and tentatively. But if we see railings on either side of us, we can drive over the bridge with ease and confidence. This is how a young child feels regarding limits in his environment.”
Setting fair boundaries is so important in building healthy relationships with young children. Although young children may react to certain boundaries with strong emotions and may not appear to like them, children need consistent and fair boundaries to feel safe and secure in their environment and relationships. At school, we have many boundaries that we set with the children to help them feel secure in their relationships with us and also to help them feel safe to take risks in their environment and with their peers. If children feel unsure about a boundary they will continue to test it until they know that the boundary or limit set is strong, defined, and consistent each time a certain behavior occurs. This makes it so vital for every teacher to be on the same page with each other in regard to our boundary setting. You may hear us say, “teachers always agree with each other,” meaning that if a teacher sets a boundary with a child then the other teachers will respect and uphold that boundary. We also ensure that the boundaries we set are developmentally appropriate for each child. This means that some boundaries will apply to every child in the school and some boundaries may need to shift for individual children.
The children understand and respect these differences. I also view boundary setting as a way of showing your children I respect them because it can feel very scary to have too much control but when we set fair boundaries your children
know we are not worried or upset when they express big emotions and that we will be calm and consistent even when they are feeling dysregulated.
Identifying When a Boundary is Needed
Acknowledge moments when we are beginning to feel frustrated
It is often during moments when we are beginning to feel frustrated or stressed that a boundary needs to be set so that we do not overreact
Identify if something is a want vs a need
Sometimes we have the time and space to allow children to take their time doing things they want to do; however, sometimes a boundary needs to be set so that transitions can happen Transitional moments
Children often need firm boundaries around transitions.
Transitions are hard for young children and they can often be made harder if they don’t know what to expect every time. When we set clear boundaries children know that even though the moment is busy the boundaries and expectations are the same every time.
Identify behaviors that are becoming consistent and identify when they are happening
Often when children start to become emotional or begin shutting down during certain parts of the day it is because a boundary is needed and this is their way of asking for one
Understand that boundaries don’t have to be permanent
Sometimes a boundary is necessary but it’s important to remember that they can change as children learn and grow.
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